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This is beyond ridiculous now [Apr. 8th, 2008|01:19 pm]
They say that when you get older, everything gets easier but it doesn't. I want to speak to the manager so I can complain. I was blatantly lied to as a child, and I demand satisfaction. Life isn't fair, it doesn't get better or easier. Nothing in life is simple. You are not what you eat. Your face will not freeze like that if you keep making that face. All is not fair in love and war. Hard work does not always pay off. The grass is not necessarily greener on the other side.

All of those sayings that people came up with to make life seem easy are all a crock of shit. No one is ever happy. It's just impossible.
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How things change... but stay the same. [Oct. 3rd, 2007|06:47 pm]
[Current Mood |confusedconfused]
[Current Music |Korn- Liar]

I finally have a job! I'm a receptionist at a brokerage firm on Wall St. I even have to get fingerprinted and have my photo taken for an ID badge and everything. It's cool stuff, but kind of scary. I really need this to go well, at least for a year or so. Cause let's face it, having it say "Wall St" on your resume is fucking impressive, even if all you did was answer phones and sign for packages.

The only thing is that now I can't see The Boy. It sucks because I really like him, but the one day that we had for each other, I'm going to be working on now. I mean it's probably a good thing to distance myself from someone else's boyfriend, but I really don't want to. I keep thinking and thinking that there has to be some way of us hanging out, but there's nothing. No way at all.

So I got the job but lost the guy. And once again, I can't have it all....
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I have an idea of what the future holds [Sep. 24th, 2007|08:25 pm]

I’m not sure how I’ve managed to completely reverse my life. I was financially stable but unhappy with my personal life. Now I’m unemployed and as happy as I’ve ever been, besides the worry about my bills and rent being paid. I’m in the unhealthiest but most fulfilling relationship I’ve ever been in. I get to spend time with my friends, and have managed to make amazing new ones. However, I’m aware that the balance will be shifted once again when I get a job. I know myself. I’m a workaholic. It’s just what I do. I’ll probably end up getting two jobs just because I’m that much of a freak. My relationship is going to suffer because the one day that I get to see him now, I’ll probably be working on. I should probably cut that off now, but I can’t bring myself to.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I don’t know how to strike a balance between the two. I don’t know if it’s proof of my madness that I can only manage the one thing at a time. I remember when I was working…. I would go months without hanging out with my friends and family because I’d be too busy working. At one point I was even working seven days a week and only hanging out with co workers during the downtime at the job. I’m not sure that it’s healthy, but it is the way it is.

I’m not looking forward to experiencing that again, but it’s going to happen. I know myself.

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Job Search [Sep. 19th, 2007|09:08 pm]
Yeah, I'm still on the hunt for a damn job. I should have known it was going to be a bitch. Nothing in life is ever simple. You just have to keep at it and hope the universe realizes that you really want it and decides to give it to you.

I wish I could be happy. I had a little slice of happiness today, and that is good enough for me. I wish I could thank him for giving me that taste of happiness, but I don't think he would appreciate his name and his business being put out there like that.

Oh, I revamped my resume, so hopefully that fucking works. I need to pay my bills!
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I'm sorry [Sep. 17th, 2007|12:00 am]
[Current Mood |amusedamused]
[Current Music |Blink182- All the Small Things]

I'm sorry that you don't think I'm good enough for you. I'm sorry that I don't make you miserable the entire time we're together. I'm sorry that I'm not your ideal woman and therefore can't be a real part of your life. I'm sorry that you only find me physically attractive, but that everything else I have to give is less than satisfactory. I'm sorry that I don't make you happy unless I'm playing the whore for you.

I'm sorry that you want to be with me but can't because you're too pathetic. I'm sorry that with all my faults and insecurities, I'm still too good for you.
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God, bring me rain.... [Sep. 12th, 2007|12:22 am]
[Current Location |Hell]
[Current Mood |depresseddepressed]
[Current Music |VNV- Holding on]

Please god or whatever higher power may exist, please stop getting in my way. Every time happiness is within my grasp, you have to step in and ruin it for me. There is always a wall that I have to overcome, and whenever I get close to the top it grows taller. This wall is so tall that I’m higher than the clouds, and it’s exhilarating and scary at the same time. But this climbing has to end. I’m so tired. I just want to feel my feet on the ground and be normal and happy. I want to wake up in the morning and not be alone. If I have to be alone, can I at least not realize it?

Can you at least make me ignorant of my unhappiness? There was one point while I was climbing that wall where I was so surrounded by clouds that I didn’t even realize I was climbing… it was almost like floating. And then I climbed past the clouds and there was light and air and the realization that the wall will always exist. Can’t you give me that ignorance again?

Or even better, give me rain. Give me a whole new flood to wipe my sins and memories away. Send a flood strong enough to knock down the wall and any trace of its existence. Cleanse me and my world of all the doubt, the shame, the fear, the rejection…. Take even the good things from me so I can just start over. Take it all.

Please god. Let me be happy.

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Decisions, decisions [Aug. 17th, 2007|07:28 pm]

               I don’t understand why making an important decision has to be so difficult. But it really is. I mean really, either you stay or you fucking go. And yet I can’t choose one. Or rather, I can’t settle on one decision. My head decides that’s it. I’m done, I’m gone. I’m cutting my losses and getting the hell out of Dodge. Then my heart demands to be allowed to feel again, to feel ANYTHING at all. And I can’t say no to it, even though I want to. For once I can’t control what I feel. The one time I really need to keep my feelings under control in order to save myself from any potential heartache or embarrassment.

            Because as much as my heart keeps saying it’s okay, that things will get better… my head knows for a fact that I’ll end up hurt and miserable. Because that’s how it always is.

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(no subject) [Aug. 15th, 2007|11:32 pm]

Happiness is fleeting. It isn't meant to last. It comes and goes with the tides, leaving the wet sand behind as a reminder of what once was there. Every now and then there is a seashell that is left on shore. That's when a memory is so deep and profound that it defies the waves that are attempting to pull it away again. It wants to stay as a reminder that happiness came once, and it will come again. Sometimes, you just have to sit back, watch the waves, and wait for another seashell.

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Captain's Log: First Entry [Aug. 14th, 2007|12:24 am]

He struggled against the ropes that kept him restrained to the bed even as he willing surrendered to the torture she was inflicting. It was impossible to say no to a tongue and soft lips wandering up and down the shaft of his cock. Not that she would have listened to him if he had. She was positioned in a way that stuck her ass in the air, and he could see the curves of it teasing him, beckoning him to grab and bite the soft skin there. He closed his eyes to the sight before him, but it was embedded into his memory by the fact that all he could do was look.

            Her mouth withdrew but he kept his eyes closed. How did he get into this? He’s been here before, and each time he swore it would be the last. And then she would smile that mischievous smile of hers, and she’d start kissing him so passionately that he forgot where he was. And then all of a sudden he’d feel the ropes around his wrists and the silky fabric of her stockings against his naked skin and he’d remember that she was the devil incarnate. And now  here she was, rubbing her breasts down his chest. And then he felt the moist heat of her rubbing against the head of his cock and suddenly he didn’t care how he’d gotten there. This is how it always was. She took her time torturing him, biting him where ever her teeth found skin, her nails scratching his inner thighs. Even her soft, thick hair rubbing against his skin was a delicious torment.

            Finally she whispered into his ear, “I know what you want my dear. You want me to fuck you. Don’t you?”

            His brain was shouting “YES!” while his mouth did nothing but groan. She laughed softly and sank down on to his cock. He felt her breath on his neck as she sighed with pleasure. His arms reached upwards to hold her to him, but the ropes stopped him before he could get far. There wasn’t anything to do but lay there while she took control of his body. She leaned back, back arched as she slowly began to move up and down in a slow, steady rhythm.

            This was her favorite form of torture, and she excelled in it. She knew his body like the back of her hand, and she did everything possible to torment him. Soon the rhythm became faster and harder. The room was filled with the sounds and smell of sex which only served to excite them more. She paused for a moment to untie him, and he quickly rolled her onto her back and thrust as hard and deep as he could. Her teeth sank into his shoulder before he pulled away and lifted her legs to his shoulders. It became more primal than before, each one scratching and biting the other where ever they could. Their sweat mingled together and rolled off of them but they both ignored it. Her nails sank into the sheets as her back arched and her body shuddered against him, pussy clenching his cock tightly with the force of her orgasm.

            A few moments later his finger wrapped around the damp tendrils of her hair and pulled her head back. He bit her neck none too gently..........................


Sorry folks, but I'm tired and need to go to bed. I'll finish this later

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